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I BOUGHT A VAMPIRE MOTORCYCLE (1990).

The high-concept title might sound like a shitty Touchstone comedy (probably starring Whoopi Goldberg), but this British pic turns out to be surprisingly nasty and amusing. Though never released in the US, director Dirk Campbell does a fine job balancing humor and bloodshed, while never succumbing to easy 'wackiness'. When a pack of homicidal bikers break up a satanic ritual, the demon they were in the midst of resurrecting possesses a nearby motorcycle, when one of its dying minions pours his blood into the gas tank as his dying act. We then meet Neil Morrissey as Noddy, a young schmuck who becomes the bike's new owner -- unaware that it runs on blood and doesn't like strangers fucking about with it. In fact, when one of Noddy's pals, Buzzer, simply steals the cycle's gas cap, he winds up torn to pieces the next morning. Of course, it inexplicably stalls when you try to take it out in the sunlight. Soon, the cycle begins driving around town on its own, complete with rotating blades jutting from its sides (at a convenient height to lob one's head off, of course). Its broken headlight turns into a hungry maw that rips off a meter maid's hand when she tries to ticket it. And when the bike begins showing up with human remains stuck to it, it's time to consult a priest (Anthony Daniels), who tries to exorcise the thing -- only to have his fingers severed off by it. Sure, the film is silly, but it that's half the fun, especially when the story is also laced with juicy gore, vomit and lots of dead bikers. We also get a POV shot, through the headlight, as the cycle ogles Noddy's gal, Kim (Amanda Noar); plus the damnable bike going on killing sprees in a hospital ward and a bodybuilding gym. Full of lovably absurd touches, as well as an unfathomable nightmare in which Noddy pinches off a loaf in the toilet and his turd begins talking to him and trying to leap down his throat. Uggh. And how can you not like this cool bike, which grows porcupine-like spikes along its gas tank, and gores folks with its spiked handlebars? Co-starring Michael Elphick as a police inspector who (luckily) stinks of garlic, this is an imaginative spoof that ends up being much more entertaining than the type of pics it's making light of.

© 1992 by Steven Puchalski.