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I SAW JESUS DIE [Jeg så Jesus dø] (1974).

Just when I'm convinced that I've seen every screwed-up cinematic genre, along comes a new mind-boggler -- JESUS PORN! Made in Denmark and without English subtitles, I couldn't understand a word of this X-rated passion play from director Ib Fyrsting, but I gave it a shot anyway, since we all know the story of Christ, right? Wrong! Because few Jesus flicks begin with this shaggy-haired Son o' God conversing with a slutty demon-dame in a Vegas showgirl bikini and Dracula cape. Within two minutes, the grainy hardcore action is underway, with a montage of masturbation, blow-jobs and assorted coupling. But our sourpuss savior won't be swayed by these fun-loving images, as this quickly turns into 'The Trash Temptation of Christ'. For the rest of the movie, Jesus stumbles about the rocky countryside, recruiting more and more disciples, who undoubtedly follow the guy because they can't get enough of his sexually-graphic parables. As he lectures to this sycophantic posse, it's intercut with threesome action, nude stonings, castration, virgin debasement, plus a town prostitute who's stripped in public and has a lit candle shoved up her pleasure hole. Of course, the story takes a bummer turn when Jesus is grabbed by four skinny, scantily-dressed Centurions and tossed into prison, where he watches his cellmates screw a handy female, but stoically sits in a corner and refuses to partake in the gang-bang. I actually felt bad for poor dull Jesus, because if the guy had gotten laid, it might've lightened up his mood while hanging on that cross. Meanwhile, it climaxes with a big, badly-lensed orgy, as all of the culprits happily fornicate. No surprise, production values are pathetic -- crowd scenes have barely a dozen people, and when they're not talking or screwing outdoors, the grade-school-level sets are continually recycled. Plus, who could've guessed that even in Biblical days, naked chicks had bikini tan-lines? This deviant chunk of religious-trash mixes early-porn aesthetics with Christian-propaganda, and emerges as 84-minutes of sacrilegious slop that melds Ron Ormond with Al Goldstein. Is it bizarre? Absolutely! Erotic? Far from it (although a lot of horny nuns might disagree with me).

© 2001 by Steven Puchalski.