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PONY GIRL (1985).

Traci Lords is turning up in everything from MELROSE PLACE to ROSEANNE nowadays, and although most of the American public is aware of her jailbait porno roots, I'm sure most SHOCK CINEMA readers (in others, all you sleazy fucks) have a secret stash of Traci's true acting talents (which amounted to a snide pout and some impressive moaning, while assorted orifices were being dry-humped). You wanna see Oscar caliber work? Check out BATTLE OF THE BOMBS, THOSE YOUNG GIRLS (appropriate title, eh?), or any number of illegit treats featuring the underage, coked-out Traci, who became one of the biggest cum depositories of the '80s during her short but potent career. And though many are aware of her typical X-rated excursions, this obscure treat is rarely mentioned. It's no wonder, since most viewers will find it less alluring than a JOE FRANKLIN SHOW rerun. It's a fetish film without any real sex, but on the other hand, it's highly recommended for people who get off on watching clothed women marched about like horses (we're talking about a rather specific market here, folks). Most of the pic set at a dude ranch catering to bizarre turn-ons, primarily centered around a blonde, big-haired bimbo who orders her Pony Girls to "Get those knees up! Prance!" as they march around a horse carousel in head harnesses and handcuffs. There's also another woman encased in a black scuba suit, tied up on a bed, and getting a little sick of her ordeal. Meanwhile, two rich old shits on a yacht run the place from afar, picking up new girls on the high seas and turning them into their pony slaves. Traci fans will undoubtedly be pissed to learn that her only contribution is prancing about in a circle and some tame toplessness; but this pic also features Michelle Bauer (using her 'Pia Sands' pseudonym), who's spent the last 15 years flashing her ever-increasing bust in every film she could worm her way into. This time she's squeezed into black boots and a leather bodice with her tits hanging out, then trained into submission by some cowboy-dickweed with a whip. For a full hour, we endure this amateurish tripe, as desperate young "actresses" trot about, until they suddenly realize they're able to untie themselves and escape (bright gals, eh?). The film gets high marks in the Intricate Leather Harnesses Department, but there's something downright pathetic about any filmmaker who figures they could make a quick buck by treating women like horses. And if you're desperate for more, there's even a PONY GIRL 2 (lucky us).

© 1995 by Steven Puchalski.